In all my years of watching movies and all my years reviewing them here, I have come across some real stinkers. In addition to the ones I have reviewed, there are countless other ones that I didn’t even bother reviewing, because I knew that I wouldn’t be able to re-watch the film which is necessary for me to capture still frames, gather quotes, and further analyze the turd of a movie. Santa With Muscles may very well be one of the worst films I have run into and painfully I stuck through the first viewing, and took the time to skim through it a second time. This film is one that is notorious for being one of the worst ever, a constant on the bottom 10 at IMDB, where at the time of this writing it is #8. It’s been reviewed all around the web and all of the reviews seem to back up the obvious assumption that a film that looks this bad, with this bad a cast is, not surprisingly, downright awful. I felt like I had to go through it myself and I have to admit, I regret ever getting myself into this mess.

The film starts off with Hulk Hogan’s character, Blake in some sort of war games scenario where his butler, chauffeur, chef and assistant give him "exercise" by coming after him with dishes, weed whackers and assorted other miscellaneous household items while Hogan runs around in army fatigues. Already, just a few minutes into the movie I’m thinking that I might very well be in over my head. The character of Blake is established as a self-centered, spoiled millionaire who is narcissistic and greedy and you can tell this from, among other things, Hulk Hogan’s usage of the same sophisticated kind of voice he used to use on the Right Guard Sportstick commercials back in the 90’s. One other thing that we note here in this first scene is the fact that Hogan is wearing a hairpiece…and not a good one.

Soon after, Blake spends his day driving around in his Hummer shooting people with paintballs until the law, portrayed by B-movie staple Clint Howard, catches up with him and a high speed chase ensues. At this point I’m thinking, "All right I know this is a kid’s movie but couldn’t they think of a better crime then a paintball match in the woods to get this guy in trouble over? I mean couldn’t they show how evil his character is by having a much worse crime and–" and then I cut myself off because I realize I am thinking rationally and then go on to remove myself from reality and re-enter the world that is Santa With Muscles.

Eventually the chase ends with Hogan tumbling out of the Hummer to evade police in front of a nearby shopping mall. No, let me rephrase that: The chase ends with an obviously Hulk Hogan stunt double tumbling out of the Hummer to evade police. One thing that stood out with me in this film was the overuse of the Hogan stunt double, amazing since the action in this film is far from extreme. Most of it, ironically, is choreographed fight scenes where it looks like a stunt double is standing in. You’d think the professional wrestler could handle it. And you’d also think that they’d be able to make the stunt double look more like Hogan, especially in the scenes where he’s decked out in full Santa Claus gear. But then again, this is Santa With Muscles we’re talking about.

But how does he become Santa Claus, you may be wondering. Well in an effort to evade the police he sneaks into the mall and locates a Santa Claus suit and changes into it to sneak away. It works at first, but the cunning of Clint Howard’s character leads him to figure out that the man they were chasing in fact was the Santa Claus lurking through the back hallways of the mall. It’s hear that he delivers the following gem of many in this script:

"I’m not going to let this guy get away with Santa Fraud!"

Hogan attempts to hide in a trash chute but ended up falling into it and hitting his head, leaving him in a Santa Claus suit with a case of amnesia. He ends up becoming the mall Santa after befriending an elf named Lenny and garnered big news attention after foiling a couple of Christmas thieves who, in one of many instances of this movie, attack him with large plastic candy canes. Local news media gives him the title "Santa with Muscles" and the following day he’s given this interview:

In the meanwhile we get introduced to the horrible villains of this film, led by the always wretched Ed Begley Jr. He’s the scientist who is looking to shut down the local orphanage. His team of villains include a demented geologist, an evil female electrician and a foul smelling chemist officially making them the least fearful group of bad guys in cinema history.

The villain played by Begley is named Frost and he’s after the orphanage because it lays on top of a supply of energy he is after. Oil? No. Natural gas? No. The orphanage lies on top of a cave that houses pizo-electric crystals and one of the children (played by a young Mila Kunis) informs us on them: "They’re quartz crystals with natural electricity in them. Their vibrations put out power. They must be worth millions!"

Of course.

So the already ridiculous plot is tied together by a ridiculous fictitious crystal mine beneath an orphanage. The film carries on and on, becoming increasingly more painful. Blake wakes form his coma after being thrown into a trash truck by the scientist’s goon who says "Santa you slay me!" before doing it in another awful one-liner of the movie.

Eventually though, even without his coma, Blake can’t help but return to help the kids. On the way there he runs into the police again who this time have a rocket launcher for some reason. And what movie would be complete without a run in with Chuck Zito and Ed Leslie, aka Brutus "the Barber" Beefcake portraying a sumo wrestler despite the fact that he doesn’t have the proper physique and he’s not Asian.

Also we’re given some more unnecessary and even more senseless back story. According to Garrett Morris’ character, who worked at the orphanage for years, Blake grew up in there, but just didn’t know it. Also, apparently he was best friends with Frost, another detail that he forgot. You start to wonder how someone can forget who their best friend was as a kid and where they grew up, but at this point in the movie, you’ve given up all hope at anything of any sense peering through.

The end of this movie was great, not because it had a good finale or that there was anything remotely decent about it but that it meant the film was finally over. If you’re prepared to sit through some awful acting, some awful writing, and an all around awful film, then Santa With Muscles is for you. But be prepared, you may very well never see a worse film in your lifetime.

1/10